Playlist- Ralphs on Sunset 12/9

Matchbox Twenty- Bright Lights
Daniel Powter- Bad Day
Hoobastank- The Reason
The Fray- How to Save a Life

The Office

Today the copy machine wasn't working. I opened the paper tray, the source of the problem, to find an uneven stack. My boss took the paper out. "Just straighten it out and stick it in," I said. Not a moment later, I realized my once in a lifetime opportunity. Before he could reply, I blurted it out: "That's what she said." It was glorious.

10 Questions

At some point in the past year, Time Magazine decided to take its already painfully inane "10 Questions" feature and render it completely braindead, by having its readership ask the questions via e-mail instead of an anonymous staffer. Or so they claim. I don't believe it. I can't quite fathom that when Tricia Munson of Highland Heights, Ohio read that towering literary icon Nora Roberts* would be next in the hot seat, the muse struck, she hustled to her computer, and eagerly typed out "Children rarely read for fun. How can we encourage interest in recreational reading?" spell-checking and studying word choice three times over before clicking send. I will let Ms. Roberts reply speak for itself:

"It's up to the parents to not only allow but encourage reading fun books. People tend to push books that are good for you, like broccoli instead of ice cream. But if you let them read Spider-Man—I sure did—they are going to move on to Ray Bradbury and Stephen King."

Ok, I can't quite let this truth nugget speak for itself, but only because I'm slightly confused by Ms. Roberts highly evolved reasoning. Can someone please clarify? Is Stephen King broccoli in this scenario? Or is it Spider-Man: The Novelization by Thomas Pynchon? I'm so confused. Oh well. Anyway, thanks Ms. Roberts, for the food for thought. I always told my mom she should have fed me more ice cream, but she never listened.

(Roberts can be seen here, prowling the streets in search of an idea her next great romance novel, some ice cream and, if she's lucky, a mugger. She's carrying heat in that right pocket, so don't mess: http://img.timeinc.net/time/daily/2007/0711/br10qroberts_1210.jpg)

Digital Shopping Revolution

Borders sends me a lot of e-mails that contain coupons I don't use. 30% off a book at Borders is still slightly more expensive than the same book on Amazon and lots more than a used book store that probably needs my money. I was actually about to make a massive Amazon purchase when I realized I'd been spending too much time in my apartment, and needed to get out. Borders was offering me 40% off any DVD boxed set, and SNL Season 2 came out today. Besides, Amazon does not offer the shopping experience that Borders does. Case in point: an average looking Asian guy in his 30s, wearing sunglasses at night and dressed in clashing sweats, humming the song "Memories" from the musical Cats while listening to it (hopefully) from an unknown source connected to the black ear buds that came out from the collar of his sweater and, yes you guessed it, examining and considering with a palpable amount of consternation the Hairspray Limited Edition Giftset (featuring a design your own mini locker!) (Visual Aid 1.0: http://www.amazon.com/Hairspray-Limited-Giftset-Paul-Dooley/dp/B000WC3AGM/ref=pd_bbs_sr_6?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1196839609&sr=8-6). You're not going to find entertainment like that on the Amazon Kindle. Take that digital shopping revolution! However, SNL season 2 was too expensive, even with 40% off. It's less on Amazon, even without a coupon... bollocks... points for the digital shopping revolution...

But all is not lost! Fifty dollars to Amoeba Music for five CDs. And even more points for:
-The clatter of the store PA system. Then, a female voice descends from the heavens: "Customer assistance needed in Tupac." A whole thirty seconds of giggles. "I'm sorry. I meant hip-hop."
-Filing Jennifer Lopez in soul.
-The woman in front of me at the check out ending her anti-jazz rant with "I mean goddamn, how many fucking albums does a jazz artist need to make?"

So for those counting at home, that's 5000 points for actual shopping, and 250 for digital shopping. So heed this warning internet: until you create virtual batshit insane people, you will not be a serious option for this shopper.

Meet the Press

Am I the first to notice that the Meet the Press theme song sounds like a Bernard Herrmann Hitchcock score? Every time it starts up, I get this distinct, eerie feeling of inevitability that Tim Russert will meet his end by the knife of an off the rails James Carville/Mary Matalin psychotic power combo (Carville's eyes a glazed white, Mary whispering in his ear). Sometimes I think Russert has it coming, when he unleashes those wack pessimistic questions ("do you really think saving the world is possible? really?" for instance*) that make for faux journalistic integrity. To sum up this review: Meet the Press is a Sunday morning well spent. It should be your civic duty to make this appointment television. Blah blah blah.

*not an actual example, but might as well be.

"Denver! Denver! we'll return roaring across the City & County Building lawn...."

We drove through a lot of the night, in the surreal void of Kansas, a desert with the occasional McDonalds oasis. I've never been in the desert before, but it was kind of wonderful being in that much nothing, knowing I was in the center of America and feeling that everything was in all directions around me. We drove a pretty straight line west for the better part of the last day and a half and the only things to entertain us visually were the signs advertising the fast food joints hundreds of miles ahead. The blindingly bright lights of a Wal Mart Supercenter (what the fuck!? that place is frightening!) was the only interior we visited before our hotel in Colby, Kansas, where I updated from last night. This morning we kept driving in the nothing. We've been listening to that On the Road audio book and it's really been fantastic, especially with all the hyperbolic talk of Colorado and Denver being on Sal Paradise's horizon. Also, somehow, Beck's Midnite Vultures is the perfect soundtrack to all those plains.

The only stop we made in Kansas for entertainment purposes was: http://www.kansastravel.org/giantvangogh.htm. It was as out of place as it looks.

Then I went to the house I lived in until I was five, certainly the most surreal experience of my life. The people who live there now were supremely hospitable and let me look at everything. It's true what they say, about it being infinitely smaller than you remember it. It was so small that it almost rendered all those flashes of memory I have from there inconsequential, because they were no longer these larger than life psychological blocks. And stuff.

We followed that with Invesco Field at Mile Hile, where I went buckwild in the gift shop.

And finally, I convinced my dad to pay for a night at http://www.brownpalace.com/. We're still giddy about it, jumping on expensive beds in robes and what not.

I could always say more, but that's all I'm willing now. Go Broncos.

"The dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future..."

So said Kerouac in On the Road, which Matt Dillon (he of the moving performance in the seminal best picture winner Crash) read so eloquently through my car stereo not too long ago, as I drove in the pitch dark through Kansas, the least describable state I've been in. The sun set for hours and I could see its every step because the horizon was so low. Then all of a sudden, a Super Wal Mart was in front of us and we stopped and bought snacks (Cape Cod Cheddar Jack and Sour Cream Potato Chips- new and yummy and making me feel gross) and, inexplicably, a copy of Not Just the Best of the Larry Sanders Show. Now, I'm in a hotel room in Colby, Kansas. Tomorrow, we'll go to Denver (just like in On the Road! Am I original or what?).

Since we last spoke:

-We've been all over Kentucky (specifically Lexington and Elizabethtown) where we saw horses and farms and a Coca Cola museum and ate some great food.

-Said grace for the first time and watched 101 Dalmations and Oliver and Company for the 50th time.

-Road an ATV along crops of Christmas trees.

-Slept in a room right out of the American Girl catalog, or one of those America's Most Haunted shows.

-Seen Metropolis, Illinois, home of Superman and the Americana Hollywood Museum, easily the kitschiest place I've ever been to (it was like Spencer's gifts, except you had to pay $5 to get in, there was a whole section devoted to Angelina Jolie, and several of the "exhibits" were bought on Ebay). It's the only museum where it was almost impossible to tell the difference between the museum and the gift shop. Just awesome.

-Seen the Gateway Arch, which is the most incredible structure I've ever seen. Everything it's meant to be, it is.

-Been in awe of America for the first time in a while.

-Went foot swimming in the middle of St Louis.

-Stayed in a motel in the ghetto of St Louis.

-Had the best beer and ice cream of my life.

-Been in a cave.

-Seen where Mark Twain grew up and wished I was him.

-Watched the sun set on the Mississippi.

-Been to Kansas City where I saw the underwhelming American Jazz Museum.

-Been to Kansas.

-Listened to music. Lots of music. All of it good.

There's more, so much more, but driving is tiring and Colorado is on the horizon. It's the only place I'll be returning to and not visiting for the first time, so that's something. (Insert Kerouac quote about Denver being his destination here). I'm over halfway to Los Angeles, but I'd much rather keep driving around the country forever. It's got a lot to see. And so on...

Elvis is, in the words of the teen-ager, "the absolute most."

I'm not sure I have the patience to write something completely interesting right now, but the trip thus far has been fantastic. A rundown:

-Got to Gainesville on Saturday, visited with Jaclyn and then hung out with Steve. We watched O Brother Where Art Thou, which I hadn't seen in a few years and is just too good. Fell asleep watching The Apartment for the billionth time.

-Left on Sunday, immediately made a wrong turn and had to drive through Georgia to Alabama. Most eventful thing that happened that day was passing Talladega which was actually pretty impressive. We slept in a motel in Birmingham that didn't get it right until the third room (first had a loud, barely working air conditioner, second was dirty). P.S. Entourage hit a new level of entertainment/ridiculousness on Sunday night.

-Monday the adventure really began: woke up early and headed to Tupelo, Mississippi to see where Elvis was born. I'll elaborate on it another time, but it's much ado about nothing. On the way to Memphis I started to realize I didn't actually like Elvis that much. We went to Graceland anyway and my head nearly exploded. We continued on to Sun Studios, which was the first really amazing stop on the trip. Lots of history, Howlin Wolf, Johnny Cash, Rocket 88, etc. Bought a t-shirt. Continued to Nashville. Stopped in Jackson, Tenn. Funny bartender, cute local southern belles, big shopping centers that seemed to spring out of nowhere.

-Today, woke up in Nashville, went downtown to this great art gallery that featured this amazing artist Jon Langford (who has played in the Mekons and the Waco Bros). I think I'm going to buy a piece of his off their web site. The gallery people pointed us to the Tennessee Museum that had a great free exhibit on the history of country music (so we didn't have to pay however much the Country Music Hall of Fame costs). Went to this great place called the Wild Horse Saloon for lunch. Had a silly waiter. Watched really strange country music videos. Continued to Kentucky. Visited Lincoln's birth place and his "boyhood home." I bought a walking stick that I'm decorating with mementos. Kentucky is the most beautiful state I've ever been to, I think. Along with the better parts of Cali. We're staying with Tasha's grandparents, who live in a gorgeous little house.

I'm leaving out a lot of details, but the Starbucks I'm in right now is closing soon. Few notes I've been writing down:

-There's a lack of Starbucks in the south. Not a big deal, just interesting considering how they rule my life elsewhere.
-A chain called Ryan's is big down here. I just think that's a lame name for a restaurant.
-A lot of things considered historical aren't all that interesting. People seem in a big rush to preserve things.
-Living a transient life like this is very strange and wonderful. It's freeing watching the world go by.
-Listening to the Daily Show audio book and David Cross stand-up in Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Kentucky is ironic.

More to come.

Baby's First Road Trip.

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."
— John Steinbeck

"We all know the same reality, we all know the same truth. Each person puts a different spin on it and rationalizes his own spin. Everybody distorts the reality in some way to try and live with it, because the reality we know is not a pretty one." -- Woody Allen

"The unexpected awaits us at every turn and every breath. The future is a vast, perpetually regenerated mystery, and the more we live and know, the greater the mystery. When we drop the blinder of our preconceptions, we are virtually propelled by every circumstance into the present time and the present mind: the moment, the whole moment, and nothing but the moment. This is the state of mind taught and strengthened by improvisation, a state of mind in which the here and now is not some trendy idea but a matter of life and death." -- Stephen Nchomanovitch

"So much for the past and present. The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is to not allow that to scare you." -- Tennessee Williams

Mixed emotions are sort of at the tip of the iceberg of where my head's been at the last few months, an amalgam of worry and excitement and fear and all the things they say you're supposed to feel about growing up and moving away finally gathering steam and taking definite form. But that's probably boring to you. Instead, a blog about a road trip!

Popular demand dictated that I start a blog, what with my life getting so exciting and all. Tomorrow I start on a cross-country road trip with Tasha (a dear friend), my new Prius, two cameras (still and movie- for documentation!), and lots of music, podcasts, and comedy albums. The primary purpose of this blog will be to write down things about this trip and see how it goes. I like to talk about a lot of stuff, so maybe it will expand beyond that.

The plan is this: Leave 10 am. Drive to Gainesville and spend the night with old friends. Wake up, pick up Tasha and start driving. We're going up through the panhandle to Alabama, Memphis (to Graceland, probably the quintessential road trip stop), Nashville, Lexington (where Tasha's grandparents live), St Louis, Kansas City, through Kansas to Colorado (where I'll be visiting the first house I remember living in, the great restaurant Casa Bonita, and various other places I faintly remember and will revisit as someone who grew 16 years from there), Utah, Las Vegas, and finally to LA, around June 29, to see Ratatouille at the El Capitan. Along the way we'll be in search of kitsch, mystery, majesty, amber waves of grain, etc. I'll stop anywhere I can get wi-fi and update. And just for your satisfaction, I bought the audio tape of On the Road (as read by Matt Dillon!). No, I can't think of anything more cliche either.

There are all sorts of goals for this trip. both concrete and existential. I've been thinking about a Great American Road Trip since I first heard someone say it existed, and now it's actually real and happening. There's a steady progression of school-summer-school-summer that has been an essential truth in my life and now that safety net is being removed and I can see for miles and miles. I've made promises and had ideas and now I have to make good on them. With that in mind, I'm looking at this road trip through a shaky lens. After years of listening to Bruce Springsteen and reading On the Road and Woody Guthrie's book and, fuck, watching Elizabehtown and reading and watching and hearing and seeing things about all the places in between and then forming my own idealistic ideas, it'll be a trip (literally!) to actually do it. But it's also the opposite; a last ditch effort and attempt to buck everything I've been building towards and taking in and just sort of exist in perpetual motion, to improvise and forget about the forms and formulas that have been ingrained in me and appreciate a newfound lack of responsibility and try to understand why everyone gets so worked up about this freedom stuff. I want to see America people!

I also like to travel. And I want to see Graceland.

I was telling my friend Jen about all this and she reminded me that Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote a bunch of stuff about why "traveling is a fool's paradise" and "He who travels to be amused, or to get something he doesn't have within, travels away from himself, and gets old among old things while he's still young." Ok. Well. It's going to be fun. I'm sick of soul searching anyway.

So hopefully I'll write less about me and more about the things I see, particularly those things that people would be less inclined to usually write about. That way it'll be fun for all of us.